It's been a very long time since I have written in this, but I feel as though I need to in order to get my feelings out. I have hit rock bottom and it feels like there is no turning back...

After a difficult seven months at a job I despised, I quit last week. This past week has been sheer disaster; I feel I have nothing left to offer the world. Sure, I'm depressed. I have been depressed since I was 13 years old, with years in between then and now on prescribed medications to suppress and dull my feelings. None of those seem to be working at the moment... in fact, I'm more depressed than ever; I'm exhausted, dizzy, my skin has broken out into a rash, I have a sore way in the back of my mouth that won't go away, and I'm nauseated. Things really are not looking up.

Life really started to hit rock bottom once I lost the group of people that I thought were my friends. They have all abandoned me and moved on with their own lives, posting pictures of their perfect lives on facebook; trips to the beach, trips to theme parks, hanging out with their new friends. Every time I see this it feels like a slap in the face; as though they are deliberately throwing their happy lives in my face. I am jealous and I wish I had what I once had. I spent today watching commercials from the 80's which reminded me of simpler, happier times. Commercials with the old McDonald's characters, commercials for Teddy Ruxpin (I still have mine), and commercials for My Buddy (I had one of those at one time as well). Times really were simpler back then, and I wish I could go back. My mother was able to protect me from this cruel world back then and I didn't have to deal with the pressures of life. I really feel at this moment like I'm just waiting to die; nothing to look forward to; nothing to be happy about. I am completely lost and I don't know what to do about it. I really wish I had someone to talk to who understood.

Feelings & Desires

I am really so very tired. I know that wasn't a great sentence grammatically, and it certainly wasn't the best introductory sentence to this posting, but I really don't care. I'm tired of so many things, like:

1. I'm tired of feeling sick all of the time.
2. I'm tired of the anxiety and depression symptoms.
3. I'm tired of people in general.
4. I'm tired of not having any money.
5. I'm tired of being behind on bills.
6. I'm tired of being tired.
7. I'm tired of feeling like my relationship is falling apart becasue of how ill I have been feeling lately.
8. I'm tired of this messy house.
9. I'm tired of feeling trapped.
10. I'm tired of not having a job.

Next, let's focus on how I'm feeling.... all the subsequent lines will begin with "I feel."

1. I feel sick.
2. I feel tired.
3. I feel anxious and depressed.
4. I feel incredibly betrayed by almost everyone I've ever known. My so called friends have disappeared and I feel I have nowhere to turn and nobody to talk to.
5. I feel angry.
6. I feel emotionally drained.
7. I feel dead inside.
8. I feel hopeless.
9. I feel helpless.
10. I feel like I'm never going to be truly happy.

I don't want to feel any of this anymore, but I just don't know what to do. I've fallen back into the deep depths of depression, but this time it's more; it has come with more painful symptoms, including daily anxiety attacks. But nobody will listen. It's as if they don't care, because I can't get anyone to help me, no matter what I say, or how I react, or how terribly frightening the anxiety attacks are, they still refuse to help. People just don't understand, and I'm tired of trying to make them understand.

What was THAT!?

American Idol certainly was interesting this evening. The contestant that stood out the most, of course, was the guy who gave Ryan Seacrest his phone number and wanted Ryan to call him for a date. This is also the same guy who kept talking about being dirty in front of the judges, and once down on his knees, told Simon that he'd be happy to be on his knees for him, and Simon actually responded to his advances in a way that makes me question his sexual orientation a little bit. What was THAT?!

Also just to note, tonight was the first time I had seen Katy Perry in anything other than a music video, and I have to say 1) She needs to grow a personality, and 2) She needs to lose the bitch factor. While I am a still a fan of her music, I am definitely not a fan of her personally.

Introduction

I decided to start this blog not only to deal with personal issues in my life, but also to help people when I can, and to share interesting information with whoever is interested. Of course, Mike Walker is just a pen name, much like Cary Grant was a stage name for the late actor, whose real name was Archibald Alexander Leach. I didn't feel my real name was suitable for writing, just as Cary's real name wasn't suitable for the stage.
I am 26 years old, unemployed, and a recent transplant from Florida to South Carolina. I moved here with the love of my life only 2 weeks ago. It has been stressful dealing with this amount of change, especially after living in Florida for my entire life. I have never been this far away from family and friends before, and honestly, I feel like I've lost the majority of them. However, I needed to get away; away from a dead end job where I was used, chewed up and spit out like a piece of garbage; away from family members who don't understand me let alone want to; away from everything and anything that resembled my former life. What I've learned, however, is you can't run away from who you are, no matter how hard you try. You can't run away from your roots, and you certainly can't run away from your problems.
I began having anxiety attacks over a year ago. I've dealt with depression most of my life, and I had pretty much conquered it, or so I thought. The anxeity and panic attacks have gotten the better of me, and I have sunk back into a depressed state, mainly because I want the attacks to stop but they won't, and it's incredibly frustrating. It keeps me from doing things that I want to do. I am so tired during the day that I can't function most of the time. Stress is a real killer, and I think it was stress that brought this anxiety on; stress from work, bills, being treated badly by people, and just overall life. I'm not asking for a handout, although I do admit that I need help. I am currently researching organizations in the area that provide medical and counselling services for free of charge or very little charge, so I can get the help I need, and get on with my life.